I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
You Might Also Like
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”