How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
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I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
For anyone who needs this today
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*struts into the new year
~ trips
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
What flavor cupcake are these
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”