ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
sugar glider wrangler
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
No, YOUR illiterate.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace