My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
You Might Also Like
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Flock of bats
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?