‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!