My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u