*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
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Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Dietest Coke
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me