We’ve all been there…
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A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS