I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.