Chicago sounds lovely.
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Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?