me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
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Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
can’t believe I got front row seats
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what