So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Breaking news:
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
if a cop pulls u over play dead
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
The A string on my guit_r is flat
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream