Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
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“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I remember when things only cost an arm.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.