help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
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Expectations vs. Reality
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
A bold strategy
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
*aggressively waits in line*
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back