*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
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Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
それは草
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.