scrabbled eggs
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his wife is probably gonna see that
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”