*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
You Might Also Like
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Why is everyone getting married at me
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related