A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
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PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.