Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics