Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*