Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
How is it still this week?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[at the general store]
me: one general please