ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
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I already tried new things thanks.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”