No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.