My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
A leaf blower, but for people.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.