[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns