ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”