[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.