Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
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“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*