Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
That’s no pocket rocket.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]