Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.