“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded