Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
You Might Also Like
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.