#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
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guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.