Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: