Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.