My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Rambo Rambow
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee