let’s discuss
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Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
how to exercise your calf muscles
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.