My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
This pepper has seen some shit
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath