INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Siri: Retweet me.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought