My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!