ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
*brings nachos to your exorcism*