The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
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Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!