every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.