I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I love art.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
😂🤣😂🤣
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.