Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
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Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.