me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
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In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
craving $300 all of a sudden
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand