My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
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[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Finally, a door that understands me
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
goldfish mafia
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Perfect
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.