When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Not today
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The French cow says MEUX…
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
also my go-to takeaway order
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]