*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.