“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
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Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.